Honestly

            Honestly                June 17 2007


You told me once that you didn’t want me to be good.
You wanted me to be honest.

Honestly, then, there is great remorse I may never outlive
And great relief. 
I am so sorry
And so relieved.

My ambivalence is finally resolved
Even if I have to leave a few toes in the trap
I will learn to run again.

My remorse is all gathered to my howling;
Because of my howling so much and showing so ill--
And the one who's leaving howled not at all;
He said he kept his words to himself
(Trampled me alone in private
While I howled in the open air.)

So I am sorry because it could be said I troubled my own house
And shamed my head
And I am sorry because no-one else troubled about my house
Except to tell me to leave him.
Or, go back and try harder,
And "believe."  Try this.  Pray that.
No-one pitched in to help with the man who was too big for me
Too isolated and wounded for me.
I will be healing from deep ruined places.

I am sorry because of disappointing a community
But so relieved that I do not have to contain the damage any more.
I am so sorry because of all the people who are collaterally wounded
Or who slink off, or lope off,
Or write you off when your marriage dissolves
But I am so relieved that I can now retire to the community of healing
That I may begin the process of coming back to my senses
To walk back to Wisdom
Instead of shedding bitter tears from a distance.
Do you hear me?  Bitter.

And he is so excited, so relieved; so filled with remorse and excitement
This then we finally share:
That the end of this is better than the beginning
And that giving under compulsion is rejected because it is not from the heart;
And who knows if you will save your spouse, or your marriage, or your house?

If they will not stay, let them go, because God has called you to peace.
God has called you to peace.

So save your innermost faith and do not lose it to a legality.
If your faith is lost,
How will you be honest when all you can be is good?